Thursday, August 16, 2012

the only explanation that makes sense...

I have the answer to why you feel like the sober at party when you are in charge of children.

They Are Drunk.   Completely Gone.   Bombed Out Of Their Freaking Minds.

I've spent over a decade in this constant state.   My children appear to be slowly sobering up as time goes by, but it's still like a day at a frat house around here.  

As babies, they started out so blitzed they couldn't even stand up.   Then as toddlers they were all drunk walking - kept falling down, knocking into each other.   As young kids, they are still pretty freaking buzzed.   Sometimes they appear to be totally with it, then they'll fall to pieces for no apparent reason.

Seriously, go to a Chuck-E-Cheese.   Observe.   Then go to a Frat house or local campus bar at midnight on a weekend night.   There are so many social and physical similarities, it's startling.

You think parenting is all lovey-dovey, let's snuggle?   Yea, some of it is.   But picture yourself trying to reason with a drunk 20-year-old girl - all loud, crying, falling down, then blubbering how much she loves you & she ends up puking all over you and passes out.  

If you are totally cool with that, then welcome to parenting aka the permanent sober one at the party.   For the next 20 years.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A sample of my week in Celiac-World

Here are excerpts from actual conversations, all in one week (it's been a busy week) - I choose to find them funny as well as annoying - otherwise my head would explode.   If you want to know why I'm so vigilant or why you should be (if you are a fellow Celiac), read on...

wedding caterer: Hello, how can I help you?    
me: Hi, I'm coming to a wedding next weekend at your party house.   I have Celiac Disease and have to eat gluten free food or else I get sick.   I just wanted to touch base to see if it would be possible for me to eat there. 
her: Oh, yes, let's see.   We are having breaded chicken, so you couldn't eat that.   (we are off to a good start)  Also, green beans - those should safe.   (maybe) potatoes have gluten? 
me:  (feeling less good about this) Well, it depends on what you mix with them. 
her: butter and parsley.  Is that okay? 
me: yes. (this caterer needs gluten free 101)
her:  And, oh, yes, roast beef with gravy - there's no gluten in that.  (and we're done) 
me: Um, there's usually flour in gravy.  (I'm picturing myself questioning the servers and wanting to go back to the kitchen to double check what ingredients they have used - making a spectacle of myself.)  You know what, I appreciate your call back.   I'll eat before the reception.   Thank you!
grocery store event planning department: Hello, Mrs. O? I have the gluten free hamburger buns you were asking about. There are 2 varieties: regular or whole wheat. Which would you prefer?     

me: ummmm, did you say "whole wheat?" Are these the Udi's gluten free buns we spoke about earlier? 

her: Yes, which would you like? 

me:  Udi's a gluten free company.   Are you sure they are Udi's?  Maybe they are "whole grain?"

her: maybe that's what it says, I don't really remember...

me: (great attention to detail) How about I come in to check them out, cause wheat means gluten. (and I no longer trust your judgement) *sigh*  


Gluten Free Bakery #1: Hello, how can I help you?

me: Hi, my son is celebrating his First Communion in a couple of weeks.   I'd like to talk to you about ordering a gluten free sheet cake for him.

her: Oh, well, we don't make sheet cakes.   We can make you a 14" double layer round cake.

me: Um, then it would look like a birthday cake.  So there's no way to make a sheet cake?  (I could maybe go to the store for you and buy some rectangle pans.)

her: Nope, we can do the round cakes, though.

me: No, thank you.  (grrrrrrrrrr)


Gluten Free Bakery #2: Hello, how can I help you? 

(insert same conversation as with Gluten Free Bakery #1)


Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Hello, how can I help you? 

me: Hi, my son is celebrating his First Communion in a couple of weeks.   I'd like to talk to you about ordering a gluten free sheet cake for him. 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Yes, we can do that. 

me:  Hurray!   That's fantastic!   We'll come by later today to buy some cupcakes and let my son pick his cake flavor and icing.  He's going to be so excited!  (big smile, so happy) 

an hour later... 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Gluten Free Bakery #3, How can I help you? 

me: Hi, we spoke earlier about a gluten free sheet cake...a friend told me that you may not be a gluten free dedicated that true?

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Oh, we have a lot of gluten free items.   Like cupcakes, cookies, muff- 

me:  (my head hits the table) Excuse me, do you bake with regular flour, too? 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Oh, yes.   We bake both regular and gluten free here. 

me:  Well, crap.   That could make my kids and I very sick.   Forget the order. *click.* 


Lessons of this week are be vigilant and trust your instincts.

Personally, I think I'm pretty mature for keep the stuff in the parenthesis in my head and not letting it come out of my mouth. 




Thursday, April 12, 2012

Appropriate Times For Poop Stories

I'd like to make something clear once and for all.  If I am at a doctor's office and you are the nurse - when you read in my chart that I have Celiac Disease it does not....I repeat...DOES NOT open the door to discussing your digestive issues.  

That means launching into disgusting, detailed descriptions of what happens when you eat foods with gluten is unwelcome.  Isn't this hour all about me?  This is not the time to swap shit stories.  And I don't even have shit issues.  I find that kind of ironic.  I'm one of the few Celiacs who doesn't have that problem.  So I'm extra-unqualified.  

The last time was super-irritating.  I was at an eye doctor's office where I was paying by the hour for parking.  So she was not only delaying my appointment but costing me more money.  She was all blah, blah, IBS, thought it might have to do with gluten, gave gluten free diet a half-assed try, blah, blah.  Then she asked me what I ate.  That startled me.  I asked "You mean in general?  Like what do I eat on any given day?"  Now I'm supposed to give you a verbal food diary?  You don't have any intention of eating gluten free.  Can't you just put the dilation drops in my eyes and leave me alone?

How about we all agree that unless I am your doctor or your nurse you don't tell me anything about your bathroom issues?  Does that sound fair?  I've got enough going on with my health and kids' health...I really don't have the energy for this polite-I-hope-you-stop-talking-soon poker face that I am attempting to maintain.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I am a helpful person and exchange gluten free ideas with others.  I highly recommend the Celiac Listserv - an amazing online community of helpful people.  Now that's another place to tell your shit story.  See?  That's appropriate.   

It's easy.  Nurses, you can do it, too.  Clink on the link if you think of an interesting poop story.




Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Just Say No

An excerpt from a conversation with one of my sons...

son:  A DARE officer came to class today.

me:  Oh, what did he talk about?

son:  He talked about how bad marina is for you.  

me:  Marina?  What?

son:  Yea, and Mom, why do people smoke tobawga if it's so bad for you?  Mom, can you believe people would take stuff that is horrible for them?!  (He's all indignant in a way that's only possible for those that have never taken drugs.)

me:  (laughing too hard to answer)

son:  Mom?  Mom?  I said the words wrong, didn't I?

me:  (tears are streaming)

son:  Mom, can you tell me the right words now?

me:  (catching my breath, wiping my eyes) Okay, but say them both one more time.

son:  Marina and tobawga

me:  Marijuana and tobacco

son:  (smiling, he's used to this) Thanks.

me:  You are a good sport.   Don't do drugs.

Monday, April 2, 2012

1st better be funny

1st Blog.  Da da daaaaaam.

Can you feel the pressure of the first blog post?   Sheesh.   I’ve been putting this off for a long time.  Don’t want to be all boring.   Not sure which interest to start with...

Our gluten free life - not by choice.  It’s not a fad diet for us.  My 2 kids and I are Celiacs.  We are now the high-maintenance folks.  Why is everyone handing out food these days?  When I was a kid we didn’t get food from non-relatives unless it was trick-or-treat night or a parade and they were throwing it at us.   For the love of all that is sane, a lot of the kids out there are overweight, I don’t think they need another piece of candy or that cookie!  Stop the madness!

Making stuff from scratch - it’s much more fun to talk about this in person especially if you have friends who don’t - I have 2 friends who are not “made from scratch” who give me disgusted looks when the subject comes up.  Wait, I’m now high-maintenance AND annoying...hmmmmm

My snarky observations - gotta narrow that down.  One to cover for sure are all the slow couples grocery shopping together.  Since when is this a team activity?  Do you really need to stand in front of the shelf and have a 5 minute discussion on which box to choose?  Really?  Do you really want his opinion?  Why did you bring him with you?  It’s mind-boggling.  Go home and get out of my way, please.

My parenting - when I’m out in public with my kids, I try to start the errand off with clear expectations.  I lean down and ask my kids, “What is your goal when we are at this store?”  They answer, “For you to not be the loudest mom in the store.”  Yes, sweethearts, that’s right.  We don’t need to show all these nice people that side of me since you can’t stop walk-wrestling with your brother.  Have you seen the walk-wrestle?  If I stop to look at something they are able to progress to actual wrestling.  Perhaps I should praise them for be able to do it on the go.  Does it count as multitasking?  That’s pretty good, considering they are boys, right?

So many subjects...My goal is to not be boring.  Tune in next time....