ridiculous stuff I say

You need to pause that story and go pee.  No, really, stop talking and go pee.

Did you wash your hands? ...   With soap?   

(on the playground) My kid doesn't have a shirt on?   I'm grateful he still has his pants on.   

Put your arrows away.

We are at school, boys!  Stop talking and get out of the van.  J, stop talking.  J, pause.   Thank you...I love you, have a good day!

Don't. Make. Me. Yell.   Just do what I say the first 5 times!

Can you only hear me when I yell?

Turn off the hose!

Dude, you'd better clean that up before your dad gets home.   He's gonna freak.

Who is banging what?

Put your swords away.

How about we start over?   I will stop yelling if you stop being difficult.  Deal?

You are so lucky it's not 1975.   Your butt would be crazy-sore.

Why do you disobey when I turn away? (wow, I rhymed. *giggle*)

2 - you can bring 2 sticks home.   Put the huge branch down.  

the only explanation that makes sense...

I have the answer to why you feel like the sober at party when you are in charge of children.

They Are Drunk.   Completely Gone.   Bombed Out Of Their Freaking Minds.

I've spent over a decade in this constant state.   My children appear to be slowly sobering up as time goes by, but it's still like a day at a frat house around here.  

As babies, they started out so blitzed they couldn't even stand up.   Then as toddlers they were all drunk walking - kept falling down, knocking into each other.   As young kids, they are still pretty freaking buzzed.   Sometimes they appear to be totally with it, then they'll fall to pieces for no apparent reason.

Seriously, go to a Chuck-E-Cheese.   Observe.   Then go to a Frat house or local campus bar at midnight on a weekend night.   There are so many social and physical similarities, it's startling.

You think parenting is all lovey-dovey, let's snuggle?   Yea, some of it is.   But picture yourself trying to reason with a drunk 20-year-old girl - all loud, crying, falling down, then blubbering how much she loves you & she ends up puking all over you and passes out.  

If you are totally cool with that, then welcome to parenting aka the permanent sober one at the party.   For the next 20 years.

Just Say No

An excerpt from a conversation with one of my sons...

son:  A DARE officer came to class today.

me:  Oh, what did he talk about?

son:  He talked about how bad marina is for you.  

me:  Marina?  What?

son:  Yea, and Mom, why do people smoke tobawga if it's so bad for you?  Mom, can you believe people would take stuff that is horrible for them?!  (He's all indignant in a way that's only possible for those that have never taken drugs.)

me:  (laughing too hard to answer)

son:  Mom?  Mom?  I said the words wrong, didn't I?

me:  (tears are streaming)

son:  Mom, can you tell me the right words now?

me:  (catching my breath, wiping my eyes) Okay, but say them both one more time.

son:  Marina and tobawga

me:  Marijuana and tobacco

son:  (smiling, he's used to this) Thanks.

me:  You are a good sport.   Don't do drugs.

1st post...it better be funny

1st Blog.  Da da daaaaaam.

Can you feel the pressure of the first blog post?   Sheesh.   I’ve been putting this off for a long time.  Don’t want to be all boring.   Not sure which interest to start with...

Our gluten free life - not by choice.  It’s not a fad diet for us.  My 2 kids and I are Celiacs.  We are now the high-maintenance folks.  Why is everyone handing out food these days?  When I was a kid we didn’t get food from non-relatives unless it was trick-or-treat night or a parade and they were throwing it at us.   For the love of all that is sane, a lot of the kids out there are overweight, I don’t think they need another piece of candy or that cookie!  Stop the madness!


Making stuff from scratch - it’s much more fun to talk about this in person especially if you have friends who don’t - I have 2 friends who are not “made from scratch” who give me disgusted looks when the subject comes up.  Wait, I’m now high-maintenance AND annoying...hmmmmm

My snarky observations - gotta narrow that down.  One to cover for sure are all the slow couples grocery shopping together.  Since when is this a team activity?  Do you really need to stand in front of the shelf and have a 5 minute discussion on which box to choose?  Really?  Do you really want his opinion?  Why did you bring him with you?  It’s mind-boggling.  Go home and get out of my way, please.

My parenting - when I’m out in public with my kids, I try to start the errand off with clear expectations.  I lean down and ask my kids, “What is your goal when we are at this store?”  They answer, “For you to not be the loudest mom in the store.”  Yes, sweethearts, that’s right.  We don’t need to show all these nice people that side of me since you can’t stop walk-wrestling with your brother.  Have you seen the walk-wrestle?  If I stop to look at something they are able to progress to actual wrestling.  Perhaps I should praise them for be able to do it on the go.  Does it count as multitasking?  That’s pretty good, considering they are boys, right?


So many subjects...My goal is to not be boring.  Tune in next time....