5 reasons I am grateful to be Celiac

Admit it Gluten-Eaters- there's some nasty food out there.  And I am grateful I can't eat some of it.  There are a few perks when you are a Celiac...

1. Fig Newtons - Seriously, doesn't everyone just pass those by and get the strawberry newtons?  Gross.

2. Digiorno Pizza - PreCeliac, I could not choke this pizza down.   I would eat cereal on those nights in my house.  Gooey-doughy-too-much-of-it crust.   Blah! 

3. Cheap Beer - Don't get me wrong, I am so a beer girl - leaving the gluten-bread world didn't phase me in the least.  You can keep your bread and nasty thick crust pizzas.  But saying goodbye forever to Guiness and Blue Moon makes me sad.  Kinda broke my heart.  For the love of all that's holy, if you have the blessing to be able to drink decent beer, why in the hell would you numb your taste buds with nasty cheap beer?   You can do better.  Drink a really good beer for me. 

4. I lost 20 pounds -  Stop eating a bunch of gluten-filled carbs and you will lose weight, too.   It's magic!  Does that mean someone could eat a bunch of gluten-free carbs and stay skinny?  No.  Carbs are carbs.  A perk to double-checking every freaking thing that goes into my mouth.

5. I couldn't think of a 5th - It actually really, really sucks to be Celiac.   Thank God red wine, dark chocolate and popcorn are all gluten free or else you all would have a serious psycho in your midst.   You should be grateful - put that on your list!

Appropriate Times For Poop Stories

I'd like to make something clear once and for all.  If I am at a doctor's office and you are the nurse - when you read in my chart that I have Celiac Disease it does not....I repeat...DOES NOT open the door to discussing your digestive issues.  

That means launching into disgusting, detailed descriptions of what happens when you eat foods with gluten is unwelcome.  Isn't this hour all about me?  This is not the time to swap shit stories.  And I don't even have shit issues.  I find that kind of ironic.  I'm one of the few Celiacs who doesn't have that problem.  So I'm extra-unqualified.  

The last time was super-irritating.  I was at an eye doctor's office where I was paying by the hour for parking.  So she was not only delaying my appointment but costing me more money.  She was all blah, blah, IBS, thought it might have to do with gluten, gave gluten free diet a half-assed try, blah, blah.  Then she asked me what I ate.  That startled me.  I asked "You mean in general?  Like what do I eat on any given day?"  Now I'm supposed to give you a verbal food diary?  You don't have any intention of eating gluten free.  Can't you just put the dilation drops in my eyes and leave me alone?

How about we all agree that unless I am your doctor or your nurse you don't tell me anything about your bathroom issues?  Does that sound fair?  I've got enough going on with my health and kids' health...I really don't have the energy for this polite-I-hope-you-stop-talking-soon poker face that I am attempting to maintain.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I am a helpful person and exchange gluten free ideas with others.  I highly recommend the Celiac Listserv - an amazing online community of helpful people.  Now that's another place to tell your shit story.  See?  That's appropriate.   

It's easy.  Nurses, you can do it, too.  Clink on the link if you think of an interesting poop story.

Deal?   

Deal.