ridiculous stuff I say

You need to pause that story and go pee.  No, really, stop talking and go pee.

Did you wash your hands? ...   With soap?   

(on the playground) My kid doesn't have a shirt on?   I'm grateful he still has his pants on.   

Put your arrows away.

We are at school, boys!  Stop talking and get out of the van.  J, stop talking.  J, pause.   Thank you...I love you, have a good day!

Don't. Make. Me. Yell.   Just do what I say the first 5 times!

Can you only hear me when I yell?

Turn off the hose!

Dude, you'd better clean that up before your dad gets home.   He's gonna freak.

Who is banging what?

Put your swords away.

How about we start over?   I will stop yelling if you stop being difficult.  Deal?

You are so lucky it's not 1975.   Your butt would be crazy-sore.

Why do you disobey when I turn away? (wow, I rhymed. *giggle*)

2 - you can bring 2 sticks home.   Put the huge branch down.  

5 reasons I am grateful to be Celiac

Admit it Gluten-Eaters- there's some nasty food out there.  And I am grateful I can't eat some of it.  There are a few perks when you are a Celiac...

1. Fig Newtons - Seriously, doesn't everyone just pass those by and get the strawberry newtons?  Gross.

2. Digiorno Pizza - PreCeliac, I could not choke this pizza down.   I would eat cereal on those nights in my house.  Gooey-doughy-too-much-of-it crust.   Blah! 

3. Cheap Beer - Don't get me wrong, I am so a beer girl - leaving the gluten-bread world didn't phase me in the least.  You can keep your bread and nasty thick crust pizzas.  But saying goodbye forever to Guiness and Blue Moon makes me sad.  Kinda broke my heart.  For the love of all that's holy, if you have the blessing to be able to drink decent beer, why in the hell would you numb your taste buds with nasty cheap beer?   You can do better.  Drink a really good beer for me. 

4. I lost 20 pounds -  Stop eating a bunch of gluten-filled carbs and you will lose weight, too.   It's magic!  Does that mean someone could eat a bunch of gluten-free carbs and stay skinny?  No.  Carbs are carbs.  A perk to double-checking every freaking thing that goes into my mouth.

5. I couldn't think of a 5th - It actually really, really sucks to be Celiac.   Thank God red wine, dark chocolate and popcorn are all gluten free or else you all would have a serious psycho in your midst.   You should be grateful - put that on your list!

Trying to be all zen

So I signed up for a yoga class.   Husband's birthday gift to me.   What that really means is "Kate, you are way stressed and need an outlet so you are less bitchy."   Totally true.   

This class was packed - 25 of us with our mats, water bottles, strap-things, rolled up blankets and rubber blocks.   I had no idea what most of the stuff was for, but since it was my 1st time, I trusted the crowd and got whatever they did.   

The instructor told us since it was so crowded to stagger our mats, so one person goes a bit forward the next goes a little back - so we don't slap each other during class - I think this is a good idea.   Seems to me that someone slapping me would not help me get all relaxed and less bitchy.

Lucky me, on my right, the girl stayed in the middle of her mat THE ENTIRE CLASS while I spent it trying to avoid her long arms.  Is it really that hard to move to the top of the mat?

To my left was "I'masuperyogagirlandwillproveitbybreathingcrazyhardformostoftheclass"  Not distracting at all.

In spite of the challenges on either side of me - I successfully got all zen for awhile. 

Yay, me.   :)

the only explanation that makes sense...

I have the answer to why you feel like the sober at party when you are in charge of children.

They Are Drunk.   Completely Gone.   Bombed Out Of Their Freaking Minds.

I've spent over a decade in this constant state.   My children appear to be slowly sobering up as time goes by, but it's still like a day at a frat house around here.  

As babies, they started out so blitzed they couldn't even stand up.   Then as toddlers they were all drunk walking - kept falling down, knocking into each other.   As young kids, they are still pretty freaking buzzed.   Sometimes they appear to be totally with it, then they'll fall to pieces for no apparent reason.

Seriously, go to a Chuck-E-Cheese.   Observe.   Then go to a Frat house or local campus bar at midnight on a weekend night.   There are so many social and physical similarities, it's startling.

You think parenting is all lovey-dovey, let's snuggle?   Yea, some of it is.   But picture yourself trying to reason with a drunk 20-year-old girl - all loud, crying, falling down, then blubbering how much she loves you & she ends up puking all over you and passes out.  

If you are totally cool with that, then welcome to parenting aka the permanent sober one at the party.   For the next 20 years.

A sample of my week in Celiac-World

Here are excerpts from actual conversations, all in one week (it's been a busy week) - I choose to find them funny as well as annoying - otherwise my head would explode.   If you want to know why I'm so vigilant or why you should be (if you are a fellow Celiac), read on...

wedding caterer: Hello, how can I help you?    

me: Hi, I'm coming to a wedding next weekend at your party house.   I have Celiac Disease and have to eat gluten free food or else I get sick.   I just wanted to touch base to see if it would be possible for me to eat there. 

her: Oh, yes, let's see.   We are having breaded chicken, so you couldn't eat that.   (we are off to a good start)  Also, green beans - those should safe.   (maybe)   Potatoes...do potatoes have gluten? 

me:  (feeling less good about this) Well, it depends on what you mix with them. 

her: butter and parsley.  Is that okay? 

me: yes. (this caterer needs gluten free 101)

her:  And, oh, yes, roast beef with gravy - there's no gluten in that.  (and we're done) 

me: Um, there's usually flour in gravy.  (I'm picturing myself questioning the servers and wanting to go back to the kitchen to double check what ingredients they have used - making a spectacle of myself.)  You know what, I appreciate your call back.   I'll eat before the reception.   Thank you!

*************

grocery store event planning department: Hello, Mrs. O? I have the gluten free hamburger buns you were asking about. There are 2 varieties: regular or whole wheat. Which would you prefer?     

me: ummmm, did you say "whole wheat?" Are these the Udi's gluten free buns we spoke about earlier? 

her: Yes, which would you like? 

me:  Udi's a gluten free company.   Are you sure they are Udi's?  Maybe they are "whole grain?"

her: maybe that's what it says, I don't really remember...

me: (great attention to detail) How about I come in to check them out, cause wheat means gluten. (and I no longer trust your judgement) *sigh*  

************* 

Gluten Free Bakery #1: Hello, how can I help you?

me: Hi, my son is celebrating his First Communion in a couple of weeks.   I'd like to talk to you about ordering a gluten free sheet cake for him.

her: Oh, well, we don't make sheet cakes.   We can make you a 14" double layer round cake.

me: Um, then it would look like a birthday cake.  So there's no way to make a sheet cake?  (I could maybe go to the store for you and buy some rectangle pans.)

her: Nope, we can do the round cakes, though.

me: No, thank you.  (grrrrrrrrrr)

************* 

Gluten Free Bakery #2: Hello, how can I help you? 

(insert same conversation as with Gluten Free Bakery #1)

************* 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Hello, how can I help you? 

me: Hi, my son is celebrating his First Communion in a couple of weeks.   I'd like to talk to you about ordering a gluten free sheet cake for him. 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Yes, we can do that. 

me:  Hurray!   That's fantastic!   We'll come by later today to buy some cupcakes and let my son pick his cake flavor and icing.  He's going to be so excited!  (big smile, so happy) 

an hour later... 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Gluten Free Bakery #3, How can I help you? 

me: Hi, we spoke earlier about a gluten free sheet cake...a friend told me that you may not be a gluten free dedicated facility...is that true?

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Oh, we have a lot of gluten free items.   Like cupcakes, cookies, muff- 

me:  (my head hits the table) Excuse me, do you bake with regular flour, too? 

Gluten Free Bakery #3:  Oh, yes.   We bake both regular and gluten free here. 

me:  Well, crap.   That could make my kids and I very sick.   Forget the order. *click.* 

************* 

Lessons of this week are be vigilant and trust your instincts.




Personally, I think I'm pretty mature for keep the stuff in the parenthesis in my head and not letting it come out of my mouth. 

 

 

 

 

 

Appropriate Times For Poop Stories

I'd like to make something clear once and for all.  If I am at a doctor's office and you are the nurse - when you read in my chart that I have Celiac Disease it does not....I repeat...DOES NOT open the door to discussing your digestive issues.  

That means launching into disgusting, detailed descriptions of what happens when you eat foods with gluten is unwelcome.  Isn't this hour all about me?  This is not the time to swap shit stories.  And I don't even have shit issues.  I find that kind of ironic.  I'm one of the few Celiacs who doesn't have that problem.  So I'm extra-unqualified.  

The last time was super-irritating.  I was at an eye doctor's office where I was paying by the hour for parking.  So she was not only delaying my appointment but costing me more money.  She was all blah, blah, IBS, thought it might have to do with gluten, gave gluten free diet a half-assed try, blah, blah.  Then she asked me what I ate.  That startled me.  I asked "You mean in general?  Like what do I eat on any given day?"  Now I'm supposed to give you a verbal food diary?  You don't have any intention of eating gluten free.  Can't you just put the dilation drops in my eyes and leave me alone?

How about we all agree that unless I am your doctor or your nurse you don't tell me anything about your bathroom issues?  Does that sound fair?  I've got enough going on with my health and kids' health...I really don't have the energy for this polite-I-hope-you-stop-talking-soon poker face that I am attempting to maintain.  

Don't get me wrong, I feel like I am a helpful person and exchange gluten free ideas with others.  I highly recommend the Celiac Listserv - an amazing online community of helpful people.  Now that's another place to tell your shit story.  See?  That's appropriate.   

It's easy.  Nurses, you can do it, too.  Clink on the link if you think of an interesting poop story.

Deal?   

Deal.

  

Just Say No

An excerpt from a conversation with one of my sons...

son:  A DARE officer came to class today.

me:  Oh, what did he talk about?

son:  He talked about how bad marina is for you.  

me:  Marina?  What?

son:  Yea, and Mom, why do people smoke tobawga if it's so bad for you?  Mom, can you believe people would take stuff that is horrible for them?!  (He's all indignant in a way that's only possible for those that have never taken drugs.)

me:  (laughing too hard to answer)

son:  Mom?  Mom?  I said the words wrong, didn't I?

me:  (tears are streaming)

son:  Mom, can you tell me the right words now?

me:  (catching my breath, wiping my eyes) Okay, but say them both one more time.

son:  Marina and tobawga

me:  Marijuana and tobacco

son:  (smiling, he's used to this) Thanks.

me:  You are a good sport.   Don't do drugs.